The Mystik Monologues: Wisdom for the Worried ©
Intuitive Counselor
Excerpted from Meryl’s popular column,
The Mystik Monologues: Wisdom for the Worried ©
Perhaps your best friend is tired of hearing your problems. Even worse, you’ve grown weary of having them. Well, you’re in luck; relief may be just an e-mail message away. Confide in the the Mystik ’cause she’s all ears…that is, until she opens her big mouth!
“Is your job unrewarding? Do you find yourself in yet another dissatisfying relationship? Is your tush the only aspect of your life that seems to be forever expanding? This is where an objective opinion—like mine—can be helpful.
We all have blind spots, you know, those missing puzzle pieces that prevent us from seeing the entire picture.
So we blame…we kvetch…we project…until we are finally prodded to confront the big, vague questions about the nature of our lives. Still, all the while we overlook the little answers through which bits of our soul are exposed. Enough Already!!!
There’s only one solution: It’s time we start examining our life through the mundane…Why? Because it’s all mundane and it’s all spiritual and it’s all grist for our transformational mill. So let’s ‘tawk’…”Together, we can uncover the greater yearnings of your soul through the seemingly small events of daily life…because personally, I believe that’s where God lives: in between the mood swings, weight fluctuations, and nothing to wear days…as well as the crumbling of old love and the exhilaration of love renewed.”
Combining humor and wisdom filtered through her Brooklyn background, Meryl offers sound advise to anyone who has ever felt discombobulated by the contents of a perfectly ordinary day. From the mundane to the mystikal, she addresses it all:
Archived Letters
- Miserable but driving a Jaguar
- Worldly Contributions
- Honor Thyself
- Honeymoon’s Over
- Can’t Get No Satisfaction
- Hot Cross Synonym Buns
- Want Kids
- Hail to the Queen
- Prisoner of my Own Body
- All About the Contract
- Fortunate or Frustrated
- All in the Family
- Surfing Safari
- My Mother, My Shadow
- Bad Feng Shui
- Friends and Lovers
- Tough As Nails
- Thin Line Between Love and Fear
- Acceptance 101
- Enmeshment Alert!!!
- Bungy Jumping
- Flower Power
- Happiness Is…
- Decisions, Decisions
- Animal Magnetism
- The Grass Is Always Greener
“I can’t decide whether to . . .
“Happiness is nothing more than a by-product of finding and developing the unique talents that enable you to bring some form of light to where there was once darkness.”
~~The Mystik Monologues
“Am I giving too much? Am I receiving too little?”
“How can I know if he/she is my soul mate?“
“If he/she isn’t my soul mate, is it okay to merely mate with this soul?”
“Letting go. . .”
“Again with the forgiveness???”
But perhaps you’re still wondering, “Why should I share my concerns with a total stranger?” Well, let’s start by getting you even better acquainted. Beneath the gloss of Juicy Rouge lipstick resides a Mystik, a woman who through years of practice and training as an Intuitive Consultant has developed the capacity to recognize the relationship between the components of our physical lives and our spiritual journey. The Mystik offers you a loving yet no-nonsense approach to guidance that reflects a socially conscious, sexually aware spirit.
Her focus is to provide you with a “higher” perspective that not only increases your ability to deal with everyday issues, but deepens your spiritual understanding. Like a straight forward friend, The Mystik calls it as she sees it! And you can bet it’s crystal clear. With New Age savvy, The Mystik fills the Prada pumps left vacant by America’s advice-giving foremothers: Dear Abby, Anne Landers, and Erma Bombeck. So go ahead, take advantage of the confidentiality of cyberspace and email her your concerns. Your best friend will be glad you did.
Miserable but driving a jaguar
Question:
Dear Meryl,
Several years ago, I married my husband for the 2nd time after divorcing once. My husband starts out being very nice to me. He’s a high roller and we live the good life for a while. But he is very controlling and tells me what to say, what to wear, etc. Then he starts being very moody. I never know when he’ll come home and get nasty with me and blame me for everything that is going wrong in his life. He has hit me a few times. He tells me to get out and that he wants a divorce. When I start packing, he gets nice after a while and says we should try again. I always wind up going back. What gives???
Signed,
Miserable but driving a Jaguar
Answer:
Dear Le Mis,
Your self worth, that’s “what gives.” If this is “the good life,” what in your world constitutes “the bad life???” Driving a Chevy??? Hear me on this, Ms. Mis, because any Mystik worth her Juicy Rouge Lipstick would convey to you this sentiment: LEAVE. Pack yourself a lunch, hop in your beloved Jaguar and floor it!!! Arrange to stay with friends or family and locate a counselor (or a Mystik) capable of guiding you—both literally and symbolically—into freedom from the “golden handcuffs” that shackle you not only to your husband, but to the numbing inertia of your own shadow…
Because here’s the illuminated lowdown, Ms. Mis, also known as TRUTH:
You are an intensely bright, creative woman with an ego the size of a lentil. Early on you faced a choice: Cultivate your own ego or marry one…preferably a Jaguar driving one. And so Ms. Mis, in the interest of survival, you sold your soul for a car and the illusion of Big Daddy’s protection. And who could blame you? Fearing homelessness you chose voicelessness…an understandable, albeit, misguided impulse toward life—from a girl whose entire sense of self fit inside a legume!! Now, many years older, somewhat wiser, and significantly more miserable—you hear a faint call to consciousness…Or maybe it’s Big Daddy bellyaching in the distance…Either way, history—in all it’s repetitive glory—once again presents the choice: Cultivate your own ego OR remain married to one. Sensing a shot at an authentic “Good Life,” your stifled spirit was moved to inquire, “What gives???”…an otherwise casual question interpreted by the heavens to mean:
“Bring my Truth out from the shadows so I can develop the self worth necessary to engage with life as an empowered Human Being.” All that from “What gives???” One can only wonder what would come of, “Who knew???”
Which brings us to the all important: “What now???”
Glad you asked…Because Madam Mystik is about to reveal the exact instructions with which to retrieve your spirit from Big Daddy’s Pawn Shop: You, Ms. Mis, are going to start generating small triumphs through wise choices that lead to self esteem. For instance:
You, and only you has the authority to determine what you wear. You and only you has the authority to determine what you say. Period. Those two decisions will harvest the material on which to build a foundation of self esteem based in triumphant choices. And, by the way, Ms. Mis, it’s Madam Mystik’s personal belief that your contract with Big Daddy is DONE. FINISHED. OVER. His job was to manage your ego until you were strong enough to construct your own. You have begun to break ground, now move on…or out.
And send Big Daddy a thank you card—he did an outstanding job of making the “Good Life” miserable enough to spark your desire for an “Authentic Life.”
Good luck, Ms. Mis-tik.
Love,
Meryl
Worldly Contributions
Question:
I know deep inside me I have something big to contribute to the world, but I can’t seem to figure out what it is. Something in me is blocking this, how can I channel it out and have a clear view of what it is I need to do?
Answer:
The only thing blocking you is the MINIMIZATION of what you are contributing to the world RIGHT NOW…….
You have lost sight of the fact that ‘contributions’ lie in the mundane present moment. That means, if you are nurturing children, attending to an elderly parent, pointing a friend in the right direction, or holding the door open for another human being — you are contributing to the greater good. In ‘Invisible Acts Of Power,’ a suicidal man describes how the power of another person’s smile saved his life. Was that smile not a BIG contribution???
Listen, Mystikette, you do not have to be Jonas Salk concocting the polio vaccine in order to qualify as a contributing member of the human race. That’s just the ego’s need for recognition. The reality is, we are constantly contributing in ways large and small. Who’s to say, in the cosmic scheme of things, what constitutes ‘something big???’
Rumi, the 13th century (Non-Lipstick…..well, as far as we know) mystic once said, ‘There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground.’ Eight centuries later, Madam M seconds that emotion with this addendum: ‘There are equally as many ways to kneel and bear a part in the advancement of cosmic consciousness. So get up off your knees, Mystikettes, and STOP underestimating the day-to-day influence of your presence on the Universe; because the fact is, consciously or not, every single life expresses a purpose……a unique ability, talent or skill. Find that unique skill, blend it with service to others and VIOLA!! — you have your purpose.’
For a bit more clarity, try this little exercise:
Imagine you are 80 years old and looking back over your life from that point of view. Ask yourself:
What would I have wanted to accomplish?
What would I like to be remembered for?
What gifts and talents would I have wanted to cultivate?
What kinds of relationships would I have liked to develop?
Ponder your answers and see if there’s a pattern, a context within which a ‘spiritual purpose’ begins to emerge. Let the answers linger in your heart, and remember the words of Carl Jung, who said:
‘Your vision will become clear only when you look into your own heart. He who looks outside, dreams; he who looks inside, awakens.’
May we all continue to awaken……
Love,
Meryl
Honor Thyself
Question:
How can I strengthen the third chakra?
Answer
By Honoring Thyself……..
The third chakra (Madam M’s personal favorite) is your center of personal power. This is where you store feelings of self-esteem, confidence, and honor. The third chakra is where you learn to maintain strong personal boundaries.
YOU LOSE ENERGY AT THE THIRD CHAKRA WHEN YOU:
Break your commitments to yourself — (You go to the kitchen to get an apple — after all, you promised yourself from now on, it’s healthy eating. You return to your 32 inch plasma TV with 12 Hershey Kisses, a bowl of Fetticine Alfredo with extra cream sauce, a bag of Cheetohs, and a diet Sprite……..And poof, in the blink of an eye – or the growl of a stomach – you’ve broken your commitment).
Manipulate others to gain their approval — (‘I love your hair-do, Mr. Big Fat Obnoxious Boss — oops, I mean, Mr. Trump’…….Meanwhile, the hair frightens you, but kissing up is worth the effort if it means having a shot at becoming ‘The Apprentice.’)
Fail to maintain clear personal boundaries — (‘I don’t mind you playing your Ozzie Osbourne CD’s in MY car with the volume amped up at deafening decibels’……..You say, as you think, ‘It’s so hard to say ‘NO,’ I’d rather just go deaf and learn sign language.’)
YOU REINFORCE ENERGY AT THE THIRD CHAKRA WHEN YOU:
Take pride in your work — (What a wonderful and helpful widget I have invented. Society will benefit greatly. I will go on QVC and sell billions of my very useful widgets).
Trust your intuition — (‘I KNEW — three days ago — that I should have turned left,’ ……….You lament, as you look around and realize you’ve arrived in Key West rather than Portland, Maine. From now on I will trust my own still, small voice, regardless of conflicting Mapquest instructions.’)
Keep your word — (You go to the kitchen to get an apple, after all, you promised yourself from now on, it’s healthy eating……. You return to your 32 inch plasma TV with an apple.)
Further, Miss Honor Thyself, you can check out your own energy at this chakra by asking yourself the following questions:
- Am I feeling confident?
- Am I keeping my word?
- Am I seeking the approval of others?
- Am I operating within my honor code?
So enjoy that apple, Miss Honor Thyself. It’s your ticket to personal power.
Love,
Meryl
Honeymoon’s Over
Question:
Dear LM, I have been married for 30+ years. My husband is a nice guy, still handsome, loves me, helpful around the house, nice to my elderly parent and generally tries to make our marriage work. We have had major problems through our marriage for several reasons. He was always lacking in ambition and work ethic. (I always expected my husband to be ambitious and successful.) He also is somewhat of a ‘loner.’ I am a people person. Often, that has created issues, socially. Lately, I feel that I have outgrown him, intellectually. He rarely has an opinion on anything and is really not capable of a conversation of any depth. Any negative feelings I have also causes me to feel like my stomach is in knots. Consequently I have had major digestive issues for the past 30 yrs. Truthfully, for a long time I have felt that I would like to leave him. But I simply can’t..don’t know how to, don’t want to hurt him, don’t want to turn my life inside out, can’t imagine my life without him…all of the above. Yet, my health issues never get better, because I’m often so dissatisfied with him. I feel that I desperately need to be with a man who is smarter and mentally sharper. I really wish that I could accept him unconditionally and focus on his good points. We do have a nice life together, which I have basically created. He kind of just goes along with the lifestyle choices that I create. When we met, he had graduated college, been an officer in the Army, and was very impressive. However, over the years he has consistently been a disappointment. But, my insides are torn, because of how I feel about my husband. I don’t know what to do. Help!!!!!
signed,
The Honeymoon’s Over
Answer
Honeymoon, dearest…….
Your insides are torn because of how you feel about yourself…….your husband is merely a screen onto which you have projected your own feelings of disappointment. After all, you’ve wanted to leave him for years, ‘but simply can’t.’ Living year in / year out with that level of conflict, not to mention disillusionment, would create consequences for anyone. In your case, the fallout has settled in your third chakra — land of digestive issues, stomach knots and self-esteem. So now, rather than whipping yourself into yet another kvetching frenzy, let’s get an Archetypal handle on your dilemma.
Alrighty then, Miss Honeymoon, see if this fits in your little tiara:
You are the living embodiment of the Princess Archetype, and as such, you have become thoroughly fed up with the fact that your husband is NOT a Prince. You expected your mate to be ‘successful and ambitious’ and surround you with power, abundance, credit cards, and a palace…….instead you wound up with a ‘loner’ who has no ambition and weak opinions.
From the perspective of Soul development, this was a perfect set up.
‘How do you figure that, Madam M????’
Well, Princess Honeymoon, due to your husband’s laissez-faire approach to life, YOU were forced to take the bull by the throne. And in so doing, you learned how to do for yourself that which you had expected the Prince to do for you: provide for and protect yourself. And as the years rolled by, circumstances compelled you to develop your own competency and courage, bringing about the successful completion of a major component of your Sacred Contract: Empowerment. Had you married a more formidable man, his domination might have kept you powerless. So, Mr. Laissez-Faire was the perfect match for you. And the truth is, Princess Honeymoon, you have outgrown the stagnancy of your own thoughts, but have not necessarily outgrown your husband.
If you can find mental stimulation and deep conversation with your girlfriends PLUS let go of the fantasy of being rescued by a ‘mentally sharper’ Prince, then you have a chance of making your marriage work. Your husband is NOT a Prince, and that’s what you must accept. But, if by virtue of being married to this man, YOU have become a ‘mentally sharper’ Princess, and YOU have learned to navigate the world in a competent, fearless way, then thank him and focus on the fact that he loves you, is good to your elderly parent, generally tries to make your marriage work, helps around the house, and is a nice guy. If you cannot derive enough satisfaction from those points, and if being with him continues to diminish your own self-worth, then for the sake of your health, separate with love.
Good luck and remember, the Honeymoon can be reprised…….that is, if you’re willing to see the royalty in Mr. Laissez-Faire.
Love,
Meryl
Can't Get No Satisfaction
Question:
Dear Meryl,
I want to be independent, earn my own money and fulfill myself professionally. No matter what I try doing, it either fails or I lose interest in it or I find relevant excuses why I should not be doing this. At the moment I am a stay-at-home mum and I don’t want to be one. I feel out of place in this role. But I can’t bring in the lasting change although I have read many clever books, tried to work with my archetypes to the best of my abilities and even had my astrological birth chart done to get a better insight. I am writing a children’s book at the moment but I am still doubtful if it will ever give me financial independence I want.
Thank you for reading my question. I hope very much for your guidance.
Answer
Dear Miss Can’t Find My Niche……
You have — in tact — your health and intelligence, plus freedom from basic survival concerns. Still, you ‘can’t get no satisfaction’ — though you try and you try and you try and you try……you can’t get no…….SATISFACTION.
Great song for last dance at the Saboteur’s Ball, but lousy filter through which to experience your world. In other words, Miss No Niche, you are living your life through the shadow of your Saboteur. And that shadow Saboteur is exploiting your fear of not being good enough to accomplish anything on your own. After all, look at the pattern: Your words say, ‘I want to be independent, earn my own money, and fulfill myself professionally.’ Your actions say, ‘Oh no I don’t, I’ll keep what I have, thank you.’
What gives????
Well, Miss No Niche, you are blocking your own success for fear of inviting real change into your life. Putting your energy into why ideas WON’T work, rather than focussing on their successful implementation guarantees stagnancy. And although books and charts are valuable tools through which to navigate change and transformation, Madam M senses that in your case, these tools are impeding the clarity with which your own guidance is coming through. And languishing in this ‘I don’t know what to do’ phase of your development is allowing you to bounce from one thing to another, without truly taking responsibility for the success of your life. Remember, ‘The Saboteur is the mirror that reflects your fears of taking responsibility for yourself and for what you create.’ (Sacred Contract pp. 122)
So what’s a girl to do…..????
Good question, Miss No Niche. Here’s the simple solution: Make the Saboteur your ally…..or better yet, make the Saboteur your employee. Put it to work for you. Allow this archetype to alert you to the choices and attitudes which cause you to sabotage yourself…. and then choose otherwise. For example, when you ‘find relevant excuses why I should not be doing this,’ CHOOSE to find ‘relevant excuses’ that support what you SHOULD be doing. Further, follow your hunches and start making small choices that require courage. This is how fulfillment is cultivated.
And by the way, Madam M is quite sure that you CAN get satisfaction……if you try, and you try, and you try, and you try……
May success and fulfillment be yours.
Love,
Meryl
Hot Cross Synonym Buns
Question:
Dear Meryl,
I want to be independent, earn my own money and fulfill myself professionally. No matter what I try doing, it either fails or I lose interest in it or I find relevant excuses why I should not be doing this. At the moment I am a stay-at-home mum and I don’t want to be one. I feel out of place in this role. But I can’t bring in the lasting change although I have read many clever books, tried to work with my archetypes to the best of my abilities and even had my astrological birth chart done to get a better insight. I am writing a children’s book at the moment but I am still doubtful if it will ever give me financial independence I want.
Thank you for reading my question. I hope very much for your guidance.
Answer
Dear Miss Can’t Find My Niche……
You have — in tact — your health and intelligence, plus freedom from basic survival concerns. Still, you ‘can’t get no satisfaction’ — though you try and you try and you try and you try……you can’t get no…….SATISFACTION.
Great song for last dance at the Saboteur’s Ball, but lousy filter through which to experience your world. In other words, Miss No Niche, you are living your life through the shadow of your Saboteur. And that shadow Saboteur is exploiting your fear of not being good enough to accomplish anything on your own. After all, look at the pattern: Your words say, ‘I want to be independent, earn my own money, and fulfill myself professionally.’ Your actions say, ‘Oh no I don’t, I’ll keep what I have, thank you.’
What gives????
Well, Miss No Niche, you are blocking your own success for fear of inviting real change into your life. Putting your energy into why ideas WON’T work, rather than focussing on their successful implementation guarantees stagnancy. And although books and charts are valuable tools through which to navigate change and transformation, Madam M senses that in your case, these tools are impeding the clarity with which your own guidance is coming through. And languishing in this ‘I don’t know what to do’ phase of your development is allowing you to bounce from one thing to another, without truly taking responsibility for the success of your life. Remember, ‘The Saboteur is the mirror that reflects your fears of taking responsibility for yourself and for what you create.’ (Sacred Contract pp. 122)
So what’s a girl to do…..????
Good question, Miss No Niche. Here’s the simple solution: Make the Saboteur your ally…..or better yet, make the Saboteur your employee. Put it to work for you. Allow this archetype to alert you to the choices and attitudes which cause you to sabotage yourself…. and then choose otherwise. For example, when you ‘find relevant excuses why I should not be doing this,’ CHOOSE to find ‘relevant excuses’ that support what you SHOULD be doing. Further, follow your hunches and start making small choices that require courage. This is how fulfillment is cultivated.
And by the way, Madam M is quite sure that you CAN get satisfaction……if you try, and you try, and you try, and you try……
May success and fulfillment be yours.
Love,
Meryl
I want kids
Question:
Hi Meryl- My question has to do with my overwhelming need to be a Mom. I am 29, married for 2 years, my husband is 35. We have struggled since our wedding with our finances. (We aren’t able to pay our bills on time and are frequently in catch up mode.) While I feel that has no bearing what so ever on my husband and I becoming parents, he says that until we get that under control, NO KIDS. I have expressed my concerns, such that I don’t want to increase my chances on having an unhealthy pregnancy the older I get and I don’t want to have a teenager at home when I’m 55!
Still my husband stands firm-pardon the oxymoron, and will even deny me sex if he feels I am to close to ovulation! I have been ready since the age of 25 to become a Mom. I want us to come to the huge life changing experience as loving partners, but I’m ready to explode if I don’t have a baby soon. My husband says he wants a family, but I feel his link to finances and kids is much deeper of a connection that I can understand! Help!
Thanks!
Answer
Dear Ms. Wantzkidz,
You are unable to pay bills on time and are frequently in catch up mode. Financial crisis has been a pattern within the marriage since your wedding…… and your main concern is having kids??? You’re lucky you wrote The Mystik Monologues and not Suze Orman — she’d pummel both of you with your canceled bank statements. Your financial chaos needs to be addressed…… then we’ll ‘tawk’ babies.
First of all, this Ms. Wantzkidz, this monthly money scramble is symptomatic of a larger issue. Your tenuous financial base is a reflection your equally shakey emotional arrangement. Where is the trust and emotional safety in this marriage??? Why is your husband denying you sex when, ‘HE FEELS’ you are close to ovulation. Do YOU not know when YOU are close to ovulation??? And does he not trust your ability (or integrity) to handle that responsibly???
Your husband is reacting to all this uncertainty by imposing more control, while you are reacting by campaigning for less control: screw the finances, ‘I need to be a Mom.’ Each of you are protecting your own separate interests and ignoring that which is in the best interest of couplehood: The cultivation of trust, emotional safety, and the ability to resolve challenges together — as a couple. The fact is, Ms. Wantzkidz, if the two of you cannot unite on finances, how will you cooperate on child rearing.
So let’s start with a few questions that will help you understand the link between finances and kids (and marriage and life). Here goes:
- Are you trustworthy?
- Are you stable with money?
- Is your credit card debt unmanageable?
- Are you undermining his sense of power and control in the relationship? Or vice versa?
- Where does the brunt of money problems lie?
- Are there any other issues you might be ignoring????
This is NOT to say that the problem and solution rests solely with you, Ms. Wantzkidz. Your husband is equally responsible, it’s just that you are the one reading this right now.
The point is: Finances are a symptom of a larger issue in your marital life. Identify and work with the larger issue and you have a phenomenal shot at ‘coming to this life changing experience as loving partners.’ And that, Ms. Wantzkidz, is what creates the fertile terrain in which children thrive.
Good luck.
Love,
Meryl
Hail to the queen
Question:
I am happy to report that I chose neither the Healer nor Mystic archetypes but did pick the Engineer archetype which I felt was close in my reading of it to the Entrepreneur!!! The Queen (VERY benevolent!) turned up as my highest potential (I am also a Capricorn) so that seemed right. However, the Victim turned up in my first house (for my natal chart) and I am having trouble interpreting this at all. Can you point me in a direction to think about this one?
Answer
Dear Capricorn Queen,
In order to ascend to the throne and rule in a manner deemed BENEVOLENT, the Queen must first acquire a regal dose of SELF ESTEEM. Without which, the Marie (off with their heads) Antoinettes of the world — those ungracious Queens who rule their courts through aggressive and destructive behaviors — end up wearing the crown. And so, dear Capricorn Queen, in order to escape that fate, the gods made sure to prominently place your Victim, ‘The Guardian Of Self Esteem,’ in your first house. That placement ensured that lessons leading to the evolution of your own esteem would be delivered hot and fresh (like a Domino’s pizza) directly to your door step. Those carefully crafted lessons contained opportunities which presented you with choices to either strengthen your psychic ties to victimhood OR propel you onward into VICTORHOOD. Through courageous choices, your Victor rather than your Victim triumphed. Thus, earning you the authority to move more fully into benevolent Queenhood. This, in turn, has brought you closer to your highest potential.
Good work, Queen Victor…..
On the other hand, this dynamic could have gone south: Had you chosen to remain powerless and victimized, you could have easily slipped into Wicked Queen mode. You would have then played out your first and tenth houses by victimizing (metaphorically speaking) — with poisonous apples — all the Snow Whites whose power and beauty you envied. But, alas, you choose the high road. And that is a testament to healthy self esteem.
Oh, one more thing: since your Queen is in your 10th house, Madam M would bet her own tiara that your Queendom is either in the arena of work or somehow highly visible.
Hope that pointed you in the right direction. Should you want to further explore your chart, please visit: http://www.merylmartin.com/.
Best of luck, your Highness Queen Victor.
Love,
Meryl
Prisoner of my own body
Question:
Dear Mystik,
I have been medically overweight since shortly after I graduated college 12 years ago. I have been societally overweight since I hit puberty – or maybe it just seems like its been that long. Someone told me they heard one of
the boys in high school call me a linebacker – this did not build my confidence. Today, I am medically obese and I’m exhausted with fighting it. I’ve had short-lived successes with weight loss in the past but nothing permanent and the weight has always found me again. I feel like a complete and utter failure. I have such strength in other areas of my life but I don’t seem to be able to fight for myself on this front. I’m frustrated, angry, tired and scared. I worry about my health, I wonder if I’ll ever have another date, I hate that I’m in this situation in the first place and I feel trapped inside this huge hulking body I don’t even recognize. This is one of the major struggles of my life and I feel like I’m losing. Do you have any insight?
Signed,
A prisoner in my own body
Answer
Does a Mystik wear Lipstick?? Of course, Madam M has insight……..and her insight is a direct response to your oversight. Pussycat, we need to ‘tawk’…..Madam M is concerned that you never identify — as part of the problem — your relationship with food. You convey with exquisite sensitivity the heartache of your outcome — obesity — but what of the tormenting process by which that outcome is arrived at? ‘The weight has always found me again,’…..portrays your painful struggle with such detachment that Madam M wonders if ‘the weight’ has randomly found you through an internet search on Classmates.com.
Ms. Priz, you are dealing with the archetype of addiction, food addiction to be specific. And as such, you are caught up in a cycle of shame leading to food, leading to excess weight, leading to more food, leading to more shame…….ENOUGH ALREADY!!!! That pattern must be changed. Consider this as a replacement: TRUTH leading to peace, leading to God, leading to more peace, leading to freedom from Ring Dings…….
And finally leading to these TRUTH seeking questions: ‘What does having this (overweight) crisis allow me to NOT do, feel, or face??? If there were benefits involved in this distressing circumstance, what would those benefits be?? If being locked inside an adipose prison is keeping me from fully participating in life (not to mention intimate relationships), why do I continue to choose this???’ And most importantly, ‘How is ‘prisoner of my body’ the outward manifestation of ‘prisoner of my fear???’ Your responses will reveal the objectives driving your predicament and provide you with insight into new choices that are capable of producing a different outcome. In other words, Ms. Priz, let’s get you out of the pantry and into your life!
Alrighty then, next step: ACCEPT your current reality — that includes body size — as the starting place from which to launch this journey of recovery. And stop balking at the word ‘accept’ — Madam M heard that!! You must accept the TRUTH of your situation in order to be released from your own personal Alcatraz. Remember the sequence, TRUTH leads to peace, leads to God, leads to freedom….. Also consider a 12-step support group, in addition to working with a professional experienced in the dynamics of compulsion.
One last thing, Ms. Priz……You are a woman of great compassion whose Sacred Contract requires a major reorganization of will…….and grace. In order for that reorganization to occur, you must deal with mundane Archetypal struggles, such as: Your ADDICT taking your SABOTEUR grocery shopping…….Which by the way, from a higher perspective is an opportunity to use the wisdom of the Saboteur to alert you to choices — constructive choices — that are meant to bring you closer to freedom. (See ‘Sacred Contracts’ for further explanation) So choose wisely, Ms. Priz, for that will then allow the ADDICT to teach you right use of will.
And Madam Mystik (a woman who lives one Scooter Pie away from the edge) is rooting for your success. The truth is, Ms. Priz, food is a major coping mechanism for many people, and choosing to heal from food addiction is a massive undertaking…..
Love,
Meryl
All about the contract
Question:
After reading a book on sacred contracts and a book by Jung it occurred to me that we might somehow be channeling the archetypes from the collective unconscious. Are the archetypes we personally manifest chosen by our environmental effects or by the ‘collective’s’ need to speak to the world through our personality?
Answer
Our archetypal inheritance is based on the needs and challenges of our Sacred Contract — the guided plan for our life’s journey. And yes, the archetypes are drawn from the ‘collective unconscious,’ — that grand cosmic compound which houses the vast array of energetic patterns commonly referred to as Archetypes.
Here’s how the Archetype / Contract connection manifests:
Picture this……
Pre-birth, with skim milk Latte in hand, you gather together, shoulder to shoulder `round a small, cramped Starbucks table — just you and a few of your closest Divine Cronies. You laugh, you cry, you tell a few jokes……Your mission?? To co-create your Sacred Contract, as well as select the twelve archetypes best suited to bring about the fulfillment of this soon-to-be-conceived covenant. This is no small task; for you are actually detailing the blueprint for your impending earthly existence. Hours pass, second and third Lattes are imbibed……. Still, you and your Divine Cronies press on, arduously working out every last detail for all the chance meetings, fortuitous events, situations, circumstances, relationships, and spilled milk that will comprise the infrastructure of this upcoming event called ‘YOUR LIFE.’
Finally, the contract is complete and you are ready to be encoded with the twelve primary Archetypes designed to animate your personality as well as set the trajectory of your next earthly romp. You take your last sip of lukewarm Latte, and confidently sign on the dotted line. You’re done…. for now.
You hug, you kiss, you grab your hat and coat and thank your Divine Cronies for all their wisdom and guidance……Oh, one last thing, you pencil in the next round of Lattes, scheduled for 82.5 years into the future, when you will again gather together in Divine Croneship. Only next time, it will be to evaluate the successful conclusion of your Sacred Contract.
The End
So, Miss Mystikette, it’s not so much that one channels the archetypes, it’s more that individuals UTILIZE specific archetypal energies to assist in the successful implementation of one’s Contract. In other words……
Say, you’ve agreed to be imbued with a passion to express a dimension of life beyond the five senses, you might draw to yourself the Artist archetype. Or perhaps you’ve requested to learn about freedom, enter: Slave or Addict…..even Liberator. Possibly you want to make a your mark in refining the collective art of whining, hence: Princess….
So you’re right, the collective does, in fact, speak through each one of us. And every single voice is of The Divine, which is also the source of our Sacred Contract.
And finally, Miss Mystikette, the point is this:
It’s all about the Contract…….the Lattes are optional.
Love,
Meryl
Fortunate or Frustrated
Question:
Dear Mystik,
I have been seeing the same woman for three years in what started out being a very satisfying sexual relationship. Unfortunately the frequency of sex has been declining to about or even less than once a week, and a lot of the passion has clearly subsided. There is still a great deal of care between us so that is why I struggle with the idea of having an affair. To date, I have remained faithful although many opportunities have presented themselves. They are getting increasingly tempting. Please advise.
Fortunate but Frustrated
Answer
Dear Mr. Fortunate…..or is it Mr.Frustrated,
You need to be aware of some vital statistics: The average orgasm lasts only ten seconds. The average frequency of intercourse is once or twice a week. That’s twenty seconds a week, approximately one and a half minutes a month and a whopping eighteen minutes a year. Now compare that with the amount of time you spend in frustration over those ten seconds and if it’s more than eighteen minutes a year — my suggestion would be to initiate a fifty-four minute conversation with the partner for whom you have spent three years cultivating ‘a great deal of care’ …….OR blow it (pun intended) in ten seconds!
Use your inner conflict, Mr. F… Have an open discussion with your partner regarding each other’s hopes, expectations, desires, fantasies…..Go for emotional intimacy, then choose: Frustrated or Fortunate. ENOUGH ALREADY with this ambivalence!!
You are deriving much too much benefit from straddling the fence.
What I mean is this: As long as you dwell in FRUSTRATION, you are providing yourself with ample justification to pursue an affair. Hence: you always have one foot out the door. By choosing to bask in FORTUNATE, you are choosing the energy necessary for a successful transition from infatuation to deep, contemplative love. Therein lies the crux of your dilemma: commit and go deeper or drop the ball and blame in on her for not giving you what you want. So, what’s it gonna be, Mr. F……????
Madam M hopes you choose FORTUNATE, which will naturally include honesty, integrity, and a nice dinner. Then your decision as to how to proceed together as a couple will be rooted in integrity………
Why is it necessary to proceed from a point of integrity, you ask??? Because, Mr. F, anything less than integrity will amplify for you the following probable future:
A sizzling affair with a love starved Venus …….only to find three months later Ms. Venus prefers sex with you every other month. Then what??? Another letter to the Mystik lamenting your unfulfilled desires……….
Good luck, Mr. F — you deserve deep, committed love….as does your partner.
Love,
Meryl
All in the Family
Question:
My parents are both financially successful, hard working professionals. However, they have no people skills, no educational skills, no psychological insights. My dad lives in a world of his own, my mom is very dominating. I am the oldest of 3 children. My brother is 35 and still lives at my parents’. He was very bright, and has a law school degree, but doesn’t work, receives unemployment benefits, doesn’t have to pay for his rent nor for his food, and spends his time smoking pot and playing computer games. He has had a few drug-induced psychotic episodes in the past, and my parents are afraid he might commit suicide if they are more severe with him. It hurts me terribly to see him in such a state, and to see how they just let it all be. For the past 10 years I have often begged my parents to impose limits on him, or to force him to seek therapeutic help, or to seek therapeutic help themselves — but to no avail. Then there is my sister, 34, mother of three, who as long as I remember is always in a bad mood, and whose husband has tried to hit on me a few times. I did not tell her, and stay away from him, and have made plenty of efforts to get closer to her, but also to no avail. Until my late 20s I was very confused and depressed, but thanks to years of therapy I’ve become a fairly happy person. Yet, whenever I visit my family I am emotionally and physically sick for days. And even when I don’t see them for a longer time, I still get upset talking with them on the phone or just thinking of them. I seem unable to protect myself against them. My main physical problem is a messed up sacro-iliacal joint (due to stretching it for years too much in yoga), but almost every week I have some other little ailment, like UTI’s, candida, ear infections, wandering arthritis, indigestions – whereas I have healthy eating habits and a healthy life style with plenty of exercise. I think in a way I feel fragile, not having a home and family I can go to. And I do not have a house nor a family of my own, which no doubt plays a role too. Would be grateful for any comments.
Answer
Dear Family Caretaker……(FC for short)
The solution to your dilemma lies in the phrases coined by two very brilliant women, Melody Beatty and Madam Mystik. Both of whom were instrumental in rocking the world out of relational complacency. Beatty with, ‘Codependent No More.’ Madam Mystik with, ‘Enough Already!’ Beatty revolutionized our relationship with ourselves and others, Madam Mystik inspired us to wear Lipstick — ‘you never know who you might meet.’ As a result of these two progressive woman, we are different! ‘How so??’ – you ask.
Well, FC, let’s begin with the 1987 battle cry, ‘Codependent No More!’ — which, if written in long hand actually means:
‘Pussycat, you’ve lost sight of your own life and it’s killing you!! You are so utterly emeshed in the family ‘Sturm und Drang’ that you have neglected to create a fulfilling life for yourself. You do not have a home of your own nor an extended family, yet the bulk of your energy is invested in your brother who lives at home, your sister who is in a bad mood, and your parents who, although financially successful, lack people skills. ENOUGH ALREADY!!! It’s time to stop trying to control others and start attending to your own needs. Note that NOT ONE of the aforementioned people asked for your help. Allow these people to live their life the best way they know how……even if their life is not FC approved. And you, dear FC, must do the same.’
Whew!! Glad you asked??? Alrighty then, here’s where it gets interesting: You’re going to realize that, although you are fully capable of supervising the lives of your entire family, living your own life can be quite nerve racking. Fine, be nervous, be excited, AND be aware of your Saboteur….remember, being wrapped up in the family drama has kept your world very small, very safe. And in the interest of ‘very small, very safe,’ the Saboteur might attempt to maintain that stunted existence.
So here’s your plan:
Direct your energies into establishing for yourself a life that includes a NEW first chakra base, i.e., a home, support, community, and an extended family. Further reinforce first chakra energies by recognizing and nurturing your connection with the natural world. And if you cannot maintain a sense of pride in your family, then cultivate a sense of pride in your family traditions and ancestry. The point is this: stop fueling the negative connections with your family.
Channel your energies in that direction, FC, and the physical ailments will diminish as your life unfolds in heretofore unexplored ways
Most of all — AND with all due respect, mind your own business. Literally.
Good luck.
Love,
Meryl
Surfing Safari
Question:
I had an experience that transformed my life seven years ago.
Since then I feel that I have been on a spiritual journey of collecting all my pieces, of me and…It’s been quite the journey in my new skin. BUT Just when I feel I have some what of a handle on things, BLAM something new comes up, it’s actually getting harder and harder for me.
I am surrounded by so many people in my work and life, yet I feel so spiritually alone, here on earth.
I would like to know if you could facilitate me in how to properly close existing contracts and re-write/re-open new ones?
Can you please help me?
Answer
Listen, Miss Blamberg, Divine Homesickness is perhaps the loneliness you feel — and discomfort with loss of control is what you are calling the ‘BLAMS…..’
Fluidity is essential. It is not about what happens. Life happens…..as do BLAMS. And trying to control the blams rather than flow with them is like trying to control the ocean rather than learn how to surf. Ride those waves, Miss Blamberg, and your life immediately becomes an adventure. Seek to control the ocean and your life becomes an increasingly desperate struggle.
Peace, therefore, lies in your ability to surf.
SURFING LESSONS:
First, examine your reactions to the ‘blams.’ What conclusions have you drawn about life that have lead you to choose CONTROL rather than FLOW as a way to cope. For example: ‘Life is not safe. People are not safe. Only if I am in control am I safe, therefore, I must have control…….’
Well, perhaps one can control a stagnant pond with no waves, but what about the incredible blue ocean filled with life??? Do you really want to miss this fantastic voyage???
Next, address the loneliness. Remember, control halts intimacy and connection. It blocks flow and creates opposing needs. Control or connection. What are you NOT sharing with your world, Miss Blamberg?? Perhaps the BLAMS and the loneliness are from the same source????
Finally, stop viewing the blams as negative. Love and hate are an inch apart and so is your perception of the blams. The biggest crises can propel us into the most majestic places. Interpreting loss of control as an opportunity for Divine Surfing rather than a sign of impending cosmic drowning could add much to your perspective — not to mention peace of mind.
And one more thing…. Regarding your Sacred Contract:
Existing Contracts naturally dissolve upon the absorption of the lesson presented in the Contract. For example: Your Victim finally stands up to your mate, The Bully, resulting in your empowerment. Now, either one of two things will happen: The contract is fulfilled and you no longer feel drawn to be part of that relationship dynamic; OR a new way of relating is established within that relationship — and viola – the Contract is rewritten.
So Contracts are closed, opened, and rewritten according to your (The Contractee’s) choices, actions, and perceptions.
And that, Miss Blamberg, is how one rewrites one’s Contract. Thus, co-creating one’s life.
Good luck.
Love, Meryl
My mother my shadow
Question:
Hi Meryl: Do you believe that if we recognize qualities in others, it’s probably because they are mirroring those qualities we also possess?
If we recognize the Vampire in another person, is it because we also share the qualities of the Vampire? I am in a very difficult
relationship with my mother who often sucks my energy dry. I don’t want to think of myself as her victim, but I wondered if I recognized her Vampire because I also need to look at those qualities in myself.
Answer
Dear Miss Shadow,
Life is not that black and white…..
First of all: What is this curious dark energy known as ‘the shadow???’ And why do we treat it like the toothless third cousin we’re embarrassed to be seen with???
Good question, Miss S……
The Shadow is a repository for all the repressed and renounced parts of our personality. Think of the Shadow as a disenfranchised piece of Tupperware — a container within which we store aspects of ourselves that have not yet been fully integrated or developed.
So, along with a collection of unacceptable personality traits — like Vampirism — there’s often some gold hidden in them ther’ Shadows. For example: Say you’re mesmerized by the work of Mother Theresa. Would your attraction to that energy indicate ‘Saint’ as part of your archetypal line up???? Not necessarily, but your reaction to the Saint may be reflective of a deep capacity for compassion and service to humanity which, heretofore, has lain dormant in you. That energy might then find _expression through your Advocate. Or your Healer. Or your Mother. Or who knows what????
Therefore, Miss Shadow, it isn’t necessarily so that you have a Vampire Archetype just because you react to Vampire energy. It may be true, however, that you have a clingy side that must be reconciled. Perhaps your wounded Child is being triggered?? Possibly being around a Vampire is a call for you to implement boundaries. AND, of course, there’s always a chance you do have an archetypal Vampire in your energy pattern. Ultimately, this conundrum is for you to crack; which is why self exploration is so essential.
Still it remains: when we have strong negative reactions to others, it’s a good bet we’ve just witnessed some unconscious aspect of ourselves. And conversely, we can observe wondrous qualities in others and have strong POSITIVE reactions as well. What do you think Hero worship is all about??? And why do we love Oprah????? We are reacting to our own — yet to be awakened — brilliant potential.
HOWEVER, THERE’S ONE LITTLE CAVEAT HERE……
This is your Mother’s negative Archetype you are noticing. And as such, there could be a million and one OTHER reasons why you are feeling ‘sucked dry’ by her.
For instance: Are there old emotions you have NOT been able to express AND are you angry at her???? Perhaps her Martyr is pressing on your ‘guilt nerve’….??? Maybe her
Orphaned child desperately trying to ‘parentify’ you??
The point is, identifying your own shadow through strong reactions to others is key in uncovering the mysterious unconscious — not to mention the disenfranchised Tupperware. BUT, getting clear about projections and Archetypes through your relationship with your Mother gets a bit murky….You’ll need a neutral third party (or a great Archetypal Consultant) to navigate this one with you.
Best of luck to you.
Love,
Meryl
Bad feng shui
Question:
Dear Meryl,
For the past three years, I’ve been friends with a woman and her boyfriend. Throughout the relationship, she was unfaithful many times which he was unaware. They have had many rough patches based on her not wanting a family & to be married which is what he wants. I’ve always been supportive and tried to have her see the gift she had with him. She has even said on many occasions that I would be more compatible with him.
Here is my dilemma. They have broken up because she told him about her unfaithfulness. And according to him, it is over. Now he has expressed intrust in moving our friendship to an intimate level.
I want to, I feel that he is a wonderful person and would make a wonderful mate. However, I feel guilty due to my friendship with her. I also worry about the repercussions of a decisions such as this. Would I be unloyal to her? And is this a horrible thing to do to her? And what does it say about me if I choose to do this?
Thanks in advance!
Answer
Dear Third Party (TP for short)
Triangles often produce painful emotional Feng Shui. You wanna know why??? Too many sharp corners, someone’s bound to get hurt. And in this case, TP, it’s gonna be you.
‘But Madam M, he’s such a wonderful person,’ you plead.
Well, that may be true, TP, but triangles usually reflect Oedipal struggles — and attraction to triangles is an indication that there are Oedipal struggles that need deeper exploration. In other words, if Daddy is mad at Mommy and pulls the little girl in to triangulate Mommy, the little girl ends up feeling used and hurt. And even though being Daddy’s #1 girl for even five minutes might feel like the rush of the century,…it will be like falling off a cliff when Daddy returns to his primary twosome — which hopefully, is with Mommy.
This is a loose representation of what’s happening with you, TP. And Madam M is addressing you in these tones because your Orphan Child is on lead right now. You must call on several of your LESS emotionally triggered archetypes and interview them about this situation. Perhaps dialoging with your Guide, Teacher, Warrior, or even the Saboteur could point out the spots where you might be setting yourself up for a fall — and help you reverse that pattern before you get to the edge of the cliff.
Listen, TP, your archetypes are a rich source of guidance and intuition, use them. Because the bottom line is this: These situations usually DO NOT turn into sustainable committed relationships.
You need a little somethin’, somethin’ with softer, rounder edges……like a twosome.
Best of luck!
Love,
Meryl
Friends and lovers
Question:
I am a woman who has been involved with a woman for several years. For the most part it has been a good relationship with the usual ups and downs. But compared to heterosexual relationships I had previously, the downs have not been nearly as low, yet nor have the highs. Essentially she and I are good friends who are still, after all this time, sexually attracted to one another, share an interest in doing a lot of the same activities, and care about each other. I will say there is a lot of love between us, but it is less romantic in nature and more based on mutual caring. In all, it is a pretty healthy relationship.
Now here is the glitch. I have had this guy friend whom I have known almost exactly as long as I have been involved with my lady friend. In fact, I just met him soon after my lover and I turned our friendship into a sexual one. He and I have gotten to know each other over the years during subsequent phone calls and three four and five-day visits. .
This last visit was extra special. He and I share the same tastes in movies, have the same ideas about diet and health, come from similar backgrounds, and share a similar sense of humor. The tricky thing is that I found myself attracted to him, something that rarely happens for me towards a man anymore. But I dare say that indulging in a sexual relationship probably would mess up our great friendship.
I guess I write you for advice that can be sort of like preventive medicine because the irksome feeling of being attracted to him has already settled. I am grateful for the friendship and have no fantasies of it being anything more. I realize that being in a gay relationship suits me fine and that I am happy in one. Besides my wavering feelings, there are his, and he clearly is more sensible about the entire situation. So all in all, the only conflict here was in my head. Nothing is ever likely to evolve. But once again, your good sound advice would certainly help keep matters in perspective. Sincerely, Wavering
Answer
Dear Wavering,
Another day — another triangle. But God bless you, Wavering, this one has flair!
First of all: Not to fret. You are in a comfortable place when you really look at it from the right perspective. You have a lover and a friend in two different people. And jumping ship from a relationship, in which you share a good history and ‘a lot of love,’ just because a handsome friend with whom you share similar interests causes you to become a bit moist, is ridiculous.
Given that you only see this friend every few years — while both of you are on your best relationship behavior, I might add — speaks volumes of the amount of projection each of you must be heaping upon the other. Believe me, getting involved with any newcomer will eventually present a whole new set of challenges that you have no way of foreseeing.
And since you and Mr. Leap Year get together once every four years, the laws of intimacy have not yet kicked in. In other words, your glasses are still a lovely shade of rose….
Truthfully, Dear Wavering, you do not sound like you are wavering much at all. In fact you sound clear about wanting your relationship with your girlfriend to continue ‘as is.’ So my advice to you is this: Enjoy the male friendship WITHOUT sexualizing it. And bring your lover into the fold. Perhaps get together as a threesome. NOT a ménage a tois (although it’s quite a novel idea) just a threesome. Go to the movies, dinner, shopping — together, the three of you. And revel in the intimacy of all this friendship, because at the end of the day, that is what determines the quality of your life: Relationships.
And remember: couplehood — be it heterosexual or HETEROFLEXIBLE — can often include an occasional attraction outside the relationship, even outside one’s usual gender orientation. Don’t let that throw you, it’s just an opportunity to reevaluate your current relationship — and it’s a call to choose. Clearly, your choice was made before you wrote Madam M. So consider this response as confirmation of your wise choice!
Best of luck.
Love,
Meryl
Tough as nails
Question:
My question, nail biting, is that a typical behavior /characteristic from a chakra or a belief related or Archetypal ? I have bitten my nails on/off since a child and have no idea
how it all started.
Answer
Dear Nail Nibbler…
What you’re really asking about is an old childhood power tool. Let me elaborate….
The trance state induced by nail biting became a mechanism for disassociation; a way to NOT be fully present during difficult times. Nail biting allowed you a focus of attention away from the world. Nipping at your nails was a way for you to cope when being present felt intolerable.
So thank God your creative little mind knew how to create some relief and distance from the pain. Your habit is a gift of coping for little girls who are without the power to leave or demand that their parents stop fighting or hitting or whatever was going on. Little girls have little outright power, but they have the power they find through their little creative minds. Nail biting is a way to self-sooth and releases the anxiety inside them. Without nail biting you might have resorted to another more destructive mechanism for disassociation or soothing or anxiety release Bless this tool and honor it by acknowledging the pain it warded off — for it probably held you together in some way. And finally, MOVE ON!!
Here’s how:
Find yourself something equally low carb to sink your teeth into; say, for example, assertive _expression of feelings or perhaps even meditation to sooth the anxiety. In other words, go for the grown up power tools. Enough with the kid stuff — it’s time to get as tough as the nails you’re nibbling. And let this nail drama become nothing more than a diagnostic tool; use the biting urge as an alert to some internal unfinished business that needs your immediate attention.
And by the way, this addictive nail habit (as with all addictive habits) has its genesis in first chakra dynamics as well as the Child archetype. Was there something out of control or threatening in your early environment??? And are you still munching your cuticles in response to those early feelings???
These are questions worth answering, Miss Nail Nibbler. Meanwhile, I hope this gives you an idea as to ‘how it all started.’
Best of luck to you.
Love,
Thin line between love and fear
Question:
The issue of developing close connections with people and attracting healthy, loving relationships has been really highlighted in my life recently. I’ve become more aware of deep-seated beliefs in this area of my life. I feel that for a very long time, probably since childhood, I have carried the belief that I do not deserve love. As I monitor my thoughts, I realize that when I meet people or see someone I’m attracted to, I automatically tell myself that they will not love me. It’s like a basic assumption that I walk around with every day. I then become very sad and despondent that I will possibly never find someone to share the joy of love and closeness with. Intellectually and on a spiritual level I know that as a spiritual being, I am love and completely loved. Yet still, not all of me gets that. I’m still stuck with this deep core belief that I do not deserve love from others, especially men.
How can I change this belief? I would so appreciate your advice, as I am really weary of carrying this around and going through these bouts of deep sadness.
With gratitude….
Answer
Where did you learn that people don’t love you??? Somewhere, obviously. For you have learned this exceptionally well……
First of all, look at the overt and covert messages that taught you, you weren’t lovable. For example: When you walked into the house, say at 8 years old, and your mother said, ‘You’re filthy! Where have you been???’ or ‘Where is your sister??’ — rather than, ‘Hi honey, how was your day??’
What kind of message did you infer from that???
Well, ‘You’re filthy, where have you been??’ teaches shame. And ‘Where is your sister??’ bypasses who YOU are. So perhaps you ended up feeling invisible and unimportant — and ‘filthy’ to boot!!……All this from innocent comments born of parental concern.
We are such a sensitive, dependant lot — we humans. Actually, we’re the most dependant species at birth on earth, and now we’re finding out, on the moon and mars as well….
Anyway, back to the issue at hand. I can hear what you’re thinking. ‘Sounds pretty grim, Madam M, what’s a girl to do??? How does one change one’s ‘unlovable’ trajectory once it’s set???’
Here’s the ticket, Dearly Beloved:
It may be painful, but you must identify the source or sources of your perceived unlovability (Madam M makes up her own words on an ‘as needed’ basis). You may have to shake off denial about some truths, but this is well worth delving into; because although the TRUTH can be painful at times –it shall set you free. So acknowledge where you truly learned that you were less than loveable — (believe me, you did not make this up in your head). And remember: the goal here is to move from denial into clarity.
Next, write (but do not send) these people letters telling how you feel and denouncing their treatment of you.
And finally, search out the part of you that is filled with fear and begin to love her. Establish love with her and then establish love with your spiritual connections. Start safe — then venture out and remember that people have their own defenses . If they seem arrogant, standoffish, or rejecting, it is only their fear — AND NOT A REFLECTION OF YOUR WORTH. Love that part of you that is frightened. Loving you and letting GOD love you gives you courage. Reputing the original learning and denying it’s merit is a very potent process designed to empower you.
Granted, this is an oversimplification of a fairly deep imprint — after all, we only have a few paragraphs together. But, you now have a place to start exploring and interrupting your emotional patterns. So start!
Meanwhile, Dearest, act ‘as if’ you are loved and lovable. And watch the energy around you shift….in a very warm way. Good luck!!
Love,
Meryl
Acceptance 101
Question:
Why do people challenge my presence when I have no agenda and I am coming to relationships with interiority. I feel I have a contract to ‘teach’ the other and shift their perception. I really just want a peaceful place to be but this work seems to reoccur.
Answer
Well, Miss Global Teacher, you say you have no agenda, and people hear you say that you have no agenda — BUT everyone FEELS that you have an agenda……
Why is that???
Well, first of all, you indicate that your objective with people is to shift their perception. THAT IS AN AGENDA!!! You have a plan and people are reacting to that plan — and obviously NOT with open arms. (By the way, in your question, the word ‘integrity’ is misspelled ….. that might be worth taking a look at).
Listen, dearest, your aim to ‘teach the other and shift perception’ is really an attempt to C-O-N-T-R-O-L others. And until you learn to teach without an agenda, that is, until you learn to impart information without an investment in the outcome, you will meet with resistance. The real issue here is YOUR need for control.
And so, Dear Teacher, I would ask you to humble yourself briefly by shifting your own perception into that of a student. In other words, be open to the following fundamental lessons:
Lesson number #1:
Accept people as they are. Get in touch with what you are feeling when you want to others to change — and then work with those feelings. And pray. Ask God for acceptance. Pray for your own desire to change and grow. Let go of managing ‘their’ perceptions. And let go of changing ‘them.’
Lesson number #2:
The key here is to model, rather than verbalize the behaviors and perceptions you’d like to instill in others.
Absorb these lessons and not only will your ‘peaceful place’ naturally emerge, your Teacher archetype will come into fully Divine, AGENDA-LESS maturity as well. But first you must live — to the best of your ability — that which you’re attempting to teach.
Best of luck to you. We could all use a refresher course in acceptance.
Love,
Meryl
Enmeshment Alert!!!
Question:
Dear Meryl: I am aware that my ’empathy’ leads me to take on other people’s energy sometimes ….. My heart & mind hopes they will heal but I need to know how to protect myself so that I don’t take on their ‘stuff’…how to stay compassionately disconnected …
Thank you !
Answer
ENMESHMENT ALERT!!!!
It is weak boundaries coupled with an overdeveloped sense of responsibility that leads you to lose yourself in other people’s ‘stuff.’ Enmeshment rather than empathy is the point at issue here…..
You need boundaries, dear Empathetic One. You are losing yourself in the fixing of others, and this is NOT helpful to anyone. Get clear that each person has a Sacred Contract and a Higher Power — and that Higher Power is not you. Train yourself to witness the pain of others without turning yourself into a repository for their pain. Keep in mind that it’s often the _expression of feelings to an ardent listener that is the cure. Become that ardent listener rather than the empathetic receptacle of humanity’s aches, pains, torments, and woes.
Remember, we are each the guardian of ourselves and it is incumbent upon every one of us to appropriately maintain that focus…… and boundary. When we do not honor ourselves in that way, we end up emotionally, physically, and energetically drained. And that’s what you’re feeling right now, dear girl. Drained.
So next time you forfeit your boundaries and enmesh yourself in another’s energy, ask yourself this, ‘Why am I focused on his/her life?? What am I avoiding in my own life??’
Listen, Miss Empathy, humans are not meant to become entangled and confused about lines of responsibility. That makes for distorted relationships…..
Which brings us back to the original question: ‘How can I stay ‘compassionately disconnected???’
Boundaries, Baby. Respect them — yours and others.
God bless your empathy, dear girl, it is a gift to the world. BUT only if you learn to use it without ENMESHMENT!!!!
Good Luck.
Love, Meryl
Bungy Jumping
Question:
Last year at age 65 I discovered who my birth mother had been. She named my father as a man other than the man she was married to all her life and with whom she bore a son. I would like to know which man was my real father. My research in this aspect has been totally dead end. One of them died in poverty. The other with no heirs and an estate of several million dollars. Thanks
Answer
Dear Potential Heiress,
Your best bet would be to contact the man that is still alive — it’s just easier when everyone is on the same plane.
Think about it, dear Potential, why not take the direct approach and seek out the ‘possible father.’ Tell him the story and see what he has to say. All you can do is ask….. Then leave the ball in his court.
Meanwhile, continue to apply the standard drill: Meditate and listen for guidance. Most importantly, prepare yourself for rejection and surround yourself with support. Then jump in, dear girl!! You have nothing to lose at this point. After all, is this life meant for safety and comfort and not taking risks???? Madam M thinks not! BUT, it’s what YOU think that’s truly important here.
Just one word of caution: Before you jump, make sure your bungy cord is securely fastened around your waist so you can rebound without splattering.
In other words: Have your support in place.
Good luck.
Love,
Meryl
Flower Power
Question:
Dear Meryl: After much nagging from my girlfriend, I have decided (or acquiesced) to use flower essences as an adjunct to the other personal growth work I am doing. My questions are as follows: What are flower essences? How do they work and how can flower essences guide my spiritual growth? Thanks for your help.
Answer
Dear Garden Boy…….
Plants inherently know how to grow naturally. They are not hampered by constant nagging or being told what to do. Human behavior is another matter. Somewhere along the way so many of us lose touch with our true nature, the part of us that knows how to bring meaning and purpose into our lives, the part of us that understands how we are all interconnected. Fortunately there are natural remedies that can gently get us back on track. They are vibrational remedies called flower essences.
Dr. Edward Bach, the pioneer of flower essences, made his discoveries in the English countryside during the early 1930’s. He came up with 38 remedies, each that addresses specific personality imbalances. For instance, he found that the essence made from the flower of the larch tree brought encouragement to a person who lacked confidence while the essence made from the beech flower made a critical person more tolerant.
By ingesting an essence over a few weeks over, the life energy of a plant begins to merge with ours. The effect of flower essences is often subtle but magical. People who were procrastinators suddenly start taking action, someone who has been chronically depressed gains hope and a nagger graciously become less NAGGY.
Let’s hope Garden Girl is taking her essences as well!
Peace, Love, and Flower Power…….Meryl
Happiness is...
Question:
You’re optimism has caught my attention. So maybe you can answer this for me:
WHAT IS HAPPINESS ??? I don’t think I’ve ever felt it for more than brief moments here and
there. And even though I don’t really know what it is, I feel like I’m missing it.
Thanks.
Answer
Dear Miss Longing,
Hmmmm…… What is happiness? Funny you should ask because that’s exactly what I hope to generate in this and all my replies. So let me know if I succeed in making you feel at least a bit happier upon hearing my answer.
Right now, you are giving me a chance to bring a little more happiness into the world, or to be more specific “your world. If what I write reaches other readers, so much the better. That’s the beauty of writing….. or any other art form for that matter. When we find the right words or tune or colors that come close to expressing the core of who we are, we feel HAPPINESS, sometimes even elation.
So really, Miss Longing, HAPPINESS is nothing more than a by-product of finding and developing the unique talents that enable us to bring some form of light where there was darkness. And this light need not come exclusively from just us. It can also come from helping others to shine. For instance, as healers we heal where there was pain. Or as teachers, we generate an eagerness to learn what was unknown. As Madam M, I get to dispense a word of wisdom (on a good day) with the hopes of bringing greater fulfillment to the lives of my readers.
It is this sense of purpose being actualized that makes us truly happy. Not a house or a car or anything we acquire (although, don’t get me wrong, acquiring can be quite pleasurable…) Think about it. When has something you’ve gotten pleased you as much a year later as when you first got it? But touch another life and you have no way of knowing how you’ve touched eternity! Does that thought not turn the corners of your little mouth up??? — if even just a bit, Miss Longing????
Listen, you have unique talents to contribute to this world. Find them, nurture them, AND most importantly, share them generously.
Now get out there and test Madam M’s ‘by-product’ theory — and remember to report back.
Hope you’re smiling….
Love, Meryl
Decisions, decisions
Question:
Hi Meryl, I want to be clear with why I’m making a decision, I’m becoming confused with why I want to make the decision, Is there an exercise that I can do to become clear of my own motives for decision making? Thank you!
Answer
Tsk, tsk, tsk. Decisions, decisions. Do they ever end????
Well, little Miss Decision Maker, the key to clear decision making lies in your ability to blend your intuition with your rational mind. Meditation is one of the most effective ways of achieving that fusion. As the incessant mental chatter recedes, all you are left LISTENING to is the clean, crisp timber of your own inner voice. And wise decisions are spawned from the clarity of that inner voice. So just as knowledge is power, the same holds true for listening. Listening is power……
LISTENING without talking. LISTENING without expectations. LISTENING without logic. As your listening becomes deeper, you will begin to hear the emerging thoughts that live beyond the should’s, the ought to’s, the guilt, the fear, the shame, the ego.
Finally, when you’re far enough beyond the senseless mind-noise, you will hit pay dirt in the form of TRUTH. And once you tap the vein of TRUTH, you can’t help but make clear decisions. Just a word of caution: With a shift into clarity, comes the catapulting of your life into an entirely new level of being. It’s called empowerment, and empowerment changes everything.
So, if you’re sure you really want clarity — and the accompanying changes, here’s another technique:
Ask yourself, ‘What decision would I make if I only had 6 months to live??’ It’s often during crisis that we make the decisions that are most closely aligned with our personal TRUTH.
And one more thing, little Miss Decision Maker – truth, the rational mind, and inner knowing…..that’s all sixth chakra territory. The power to choose resides in your fifth chakra. Once you CHOOSE (5th chakra) to base your decisions on your highest TRUTH (6th chakra) , your answers will be pure and the motives behind your choices will no longer be in question. You will be sure of your reasons, for you will be moved to choose only that which is the best interest of the highest good.
May the fog lift…..May clarity prevail.
Love, Meryl
Animal Magnitism
Question:
Hello, Meryl, I am doing a term paper on the nature child archetype, and am having trouble finding works that include this archetypal character. I know of Persephone from Greek mythology, and of the character Amy, played by Anna Paquin in Fly Away Home, but cannot seem to think of anything else. Would you know of any other works such as poems, short stories, myths, plays etc… that are about the nature child archetype?
Answer
Of course Madam M would know of other works involving the Nature Child Archetype. After all, this old girl is an ‘Expert’….!!!!! And as an ‘Expert,’ Madam M fully expects an ‘A’ on any term paper she’s a party to. So listen up, dear Nature Girl..
Now then:
Make note of the fact that this archetype – Nature Child – inspires deep, intimate bonding with the natural world (plants, forests, divas, elementals, nature spirits) as well as having a particular affinity for animals. Nature children often develop advanced skills in communicating with animals, and in stories reflecting this archetype, animals often come to the rescue of the child.
Check out these movies:
Dr. Dolittle, National Velvet, Old Yeller, The Black Stallion.
And although the following television shows were aired before your time (or perhaps I’m projecting??) look for:
Rin Tin Tin, Flipper, Lassie, My Friend Flicka.
And don’t forget ‘Tarzan Of The Apes,’ and most recently ‘The Horse Whisperer.’ And one more absolutely gorgeous movie, ‘Brother Sun, Sister Moon.’ It’s the story of St. Francis of Assisi.
Remember: A life pattern of relating to animals in an intimate and caring way — to the extent that an individual’s spirit requires these bonds as a crucial part of one’s well being — is at the core of the Nature Child.
Good luck with your term paper, Miss Nature Girl.
This should nab us an ‘A’ — maybe even a scholarship and a movie deal.
Love,
Meryl
The grass is always greener
Question:
I am intrigued by the messages of hope that you offer and thought I would give a shot and ask your advice on a problem with which I have been struggling. I was hesitant to ask you as you do not know me or the other individual in question.
I am a 44-year-old, single male. I have not been working for quite some time, and that job loss has been a source of much anguish. I have been searching for the right type of job that will be fulfilling but have yet to find it. The search has clearly taken its toll on my self-esteem. I try to stay active and positive along with a strong commitment to individual therapy to work through my issues.
My other chief concern with which I would like to focus is my current, long-term relationship with my girlfriend. She wants to get married. We are at the point where she has asked for a decision about moving forward and I am torn as to what to do. I clearly love her but have some reservations. Although this is the longest relationship I have had, it is a consistent pattern–given an ultimatum, I tend to walk away from a commitment. I certainly want the things that marriage can offer–companionship, children, etc.
The question is, is she the right one. I am not sure if I read this in your materials but am familiar with the statement that people are in our lives for certain reasons. She has been a very positive influence in my life, helping me immensely through a difficult period–job loss, alienation from family, disappointment with friends, etc as I do some soul-searching. She is almost the antithesis of my down and more pessimistic mood; she sees the glass half full and is always smiling and connecting with people
She has certainly taught me lessons and I am a better person for it. How would I know, though, if she were my soul mate?
We have parted ways for several weeks to each think about the relationship. I have been searching for those tools that can help me find my answers/truth although not sure of the correct path, e.g. meditation, reading, writing, counseling, a trip to clear my head. It’s clear that I have to take some action.
I feel weird even asking you as I think a person should know instinctively about this type of decision. For me, however, I am unsure about many things and not the best at making decisions. In most situations, I always assume the grass is greener somewhere else, which many times does not allow me to be ‘present.’
Answer
Yo, Dude……your preoccupation with the varying shades of green present in each blade of grass is causing you to miss the beauty of the entire lawn!!!!
Let’s get this straight: you’re in a relationship with a woman who has had a ‘very positive influence’ on your life and has stuck with you through job loss, disappointment, and family alienation. Plus, she plays the optimist to your pessimist. If that wasn’t enough, she continues to teach you lessons that have caused you to become a better person…..
And you’re wondering if she’s your soul mate????
Let’s look at this from another perspective. Step out of your current mind-set and ask yourself the following, ‘What do I, emotionally/mentally, provide for this woman?? Does being with her make ME want to GIVE more of myself ?? Do I look for ways to add to HER comfort and pleasure??’ In other words, Mr. Greener, what are YOU bringing to this relationship???
This is an important point, because the richest slice of soul-matedness (and the most empowering) is the joy derived from pleasing one’s beloved. So in an attempt to get you present enough to dispel ‘the grass is always greener,’ concept, we must look at the relationship from a different angle.
It’s also the first step in addressing your ambivalence……
If ambivalence is about moving from one edge of the river to the other in order to get your needs met, which of your needs might go unfulfilled if you stayed in one place and committed to this relationship???
Ask yourself that, because if one grew up and learned to squirm from side to side in order to get one’s needs met, then staying in one place would naturally become associated with deprivation. And if the (unconscious?) anticipation of deprivation or ‘unmet needs’ is what’s giving rise to your lack of commitment, then it is incumbent upon you to commit to something or SOMEONE and work through those fears. So rather than invest your energies in taking ‘head clearing trips’ (which, by the way, is just another avoidance technique), Madam M suggests that you pick a lane and STICK WITH IT — for better or for worse. And should you need the support of a couple’s counselor, so be it. Set yourself up for success in whatever way is necessary. Take this opportunity to make bold choices that shift outworn patterns.
One more thing: Thomas Moore, author of ‘Care Of The Soul,’ describes a soul-mate as ‘someone to whom we feel profoundly connected, as though the communication and communing that take place between us were not the product of intentional efforts, but rather a divine grace. This kind of relationship is so important to the soul that many have said there is nothing more precious in life.’
If that description resonates with the overall climate of your relationship, Mr. Greener, then Madam M’s recommendation is to think hard before letting this woman drift back into the single’s circuit.
Best of luck.